Born & Raised

I can’t believe i’m posting this.

Patrick Stump/Pete Wentz/Andy Hurley/Joe Trohman

I recently read the “Under the Gun” article “The Cure to Growing Older- a Musical Retrospective” and Patrick’s response. I decided that I have had way too many emotions bottled up, and it’s finally time to write my own retrospective. Here we go.

I’m a music industry kid. My parents met when they were working at Record Warehouse in Chicago and my Dad now works for Warner Music Group. Music has always been so constant in my life; it’s no wonder that I am completely dependent on it now.

            Anyways, when I was 8 years old, my mom get pregnant through In-Vitro with my brother and sister. My life came to a grinding halt. I always told them that I wanted a brother or sister but I never really thought they wanted more kids.  Don’t get me wrong, I was so excited, but I guess I never realized how different it would be to go from being an only child for 8 years to having to share my house and my parents with two more babies.

            I’ve never been a huge fan of change, and often times it causes me anxiety. Not like “oh, I hope everything works out ok” anxiety, I’m talking crying-every-day, too-nervous-to-eat anxiety. This was the first time it had happened and I started losing weight rapidly.

            I went from doctor to therapist to psychiatrist to nutritionist to you-name-it to try and figure out what was wrong with me. When I finally found a good therapist, she instantly diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder. I started taking Zoloft right away and things were finally looking up. The next few years were filled with countless therapist visits, psychiatric exams and nutritionist appointments to help me gain some weight back.

            One day in 8^th grade (When I was finally in full recovery) I came in to the kitchen after school and there was a copy of “Infinity on High” sitting on the counter. My Dad told me that it came out that day and thought I would like it. I gave it a listen and I was instantly hooked. I got a Fall Out Boy shirt from Hot Topic for my birthday that year, along with the rest of their discography.

            Like so many other kids, I felt like Fall Out Boy wrote these songs for me, the girl that had always been a little fucked up, but kept it all inside.

            Near the end of my 8^th grade year, my English teacher assigned us your basic “What I Want To Be When I Grow Up” project. I had been in choir and musicals already, so I decided that I was going to be a Broadway star. (Realistic, huh?) After giving my presentation, I was sitting on the bus home listening to Infinity on High in my blue CD player and it all suddenly hit me. Sure, Broadway would be fun, but I can’t imagine performing the same show 8 times a week. And plus, as much as I love to sing, I’m not that great at it.

            It felt like someone had ripped the blindfold off of my eyes.  I started asking my Dad if I could go to work with him, and if I could skip school to help him work one of his artist’s in store performances. I was obsessed. We started writing out business plans when I was 14, just because I wanted to.

            That summer, we were on a family vacation and I decided what it would look like to wear my new pink Vans slip ons with skinny jeans. I topped it off with the FOB shirt I got for my birthday, and the Chicago scenester in me had finally come into her own.

            I started freshman year of high school at Prospect, only a few blocks away from where Fall Out Boy played at Knights of Columbus Hall (Affectionately referred to as KOC… we rocked out with our KOC out).

            High School was a rough adjustment for me. I wasn’t involved in anything and I felt like I wasn’t making any new friends. That is, until Andy added me on facebook. He was a junior on the drumline, so I, of course, accepted. Minutes later, he instant messaged me (Yes, we were still using AIM). We started talking about school, and then he asked me what kind of music I liked. Naturally, I said that FOB is my favorite band. They were his, too. We talked about Fall Out Boy for hours that night and he told me about when he saw them play at KOC when he was in 6^th grade (I would have been in 4^th grade) and when their trailer was parked outside his house a few years ago.

            He eventually asked me to be his girlfriend, and we dated for three whole weeks. In that time we would talk about our families, the new Clandestine line (We both had a number of Clan pieces) and of course, Fall Out Boy. Fittingly, he broke up with me on AIM a few weeks after we started dating. I was devastated. He was my first real boyfriend and my first kiss, and now he wasn’t mine anymore. I fell into a depression again. I couldn’t be near him without getting upset and everything reminded me of him. I’m guessing that all of the change within a few months (New high school, first real boyfriend and heartbreak) was not helping with my situational anxiety, and to add insult to injury, this all happened in the winter, when my seasonal depression was in full force. I guess it was a perfect storm for sinking into depression.

            I threw myself into these Fall Out Boy records. From Under The Cork Tree went on repeat from the day we broke up. I felt like I could show no emotion, but then our song would come up.

            So say what are you waiting for, kiss her, kiss her.

I felt so stupid. I dated this guy for 3 weeks and I was completely heartbroken over it. In retrospect, I should have just gotten over it and moved on. But I’m glad that I didn’t, or else I wouldn’t have such a strong emotional connection to these records.

(Andy and I are still good friends, he is studying social work at Illinois State and has been dating his girlfriend for over a year. She rocks.)

Basically, what I want to say is that Fall Out Boy, you were the therapists pumping through my speakers. You delivered exactly what I needed. I wouldn’t have made it through high school without these records. Whatever you guys are doing now, I’ll continue to support you. You changed my life, and I can’t just forget about you guys.

After I graduated from Prospect, I decided to move to Nashville to study Music Business at Belmont University. I was so excited, until I actually got here. My parents left, and I was a mess. I was crying all the time, and anything could set me over the edge. Every time I woke up and realized that I was in my dorm room, I hated life. I had a major breakdown on a Friday afternoon, and had to somehow make it through the weekend in a foreign city where I knew no one. (Everything closes down on Friday afternoons, so I would have to wait until Monday to be able to call my psychiatrist) After finally talking to my psychiatrist, he increased my Zoloft dosage and prescribed me Ativan for my increasing anxiety. From Under The Cork Tree instantly came into my head, especially 7 Minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen) and Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year.

I’m having another episode, I just need a stronger dose

            I need to take a pill to make this town feel ok

So this brings me to today. Around midnight I was on twitter and saw that Pete had retweeted something about Patrick Stump. I read his response and my heart broke. So Folie a Deux may not have been as influential as the earlier albums, but I think it’s just because the fans want FOB to stay the 18 year olds from Take This To Your Grave. They want you to stay the same because they are changing. The 14/15/16 year old scene kids that were at Knights of Columbus every weekend had to grow up, and they don’t want you to because it makes them feel more comfortable.

I’m not sure if any of that made sense. I’ve never been the most eloquent writer. Basically, the car crash hearts don’t want you to grow up so they can still keep a piece of their teenage years.  

my brain is pretty fucked up

but i wouldn’t change it for the world.

hello, old friend…

i haven’t been on tumblr in forever. let’s try to get into the swing of things.

a lot has changed lately. i’m not a particularly huge fan of change. ok, i hate it. this gets me to thinking, what will happen when i graduate? the last thing i want to do is leave all my best friends and go to some crazy university where i don’t know anyone. i dont want to start all over. i’m perfectly content right here, so why leave? “better opportunity” blah blah blah. i wish the best music business schools didn’t have to be in boston or nashville or wherever the hell i have to go.

my greatest wish is that people wouldn’t change. especially people. i’ve lost too many good friends. remember when you would show up in my backyard, and we would just wander around town together? i miss that. a lot.

stay gold.

Winter in chicago

Today i had a really inspiring day :) i pulled a rob and re organzied all my cd’s. now they are back in alphabetical order. winter can evoke so much, even though its so crazy with the holidays and all when you take a minute to relax and look around, winter in chicago [sic] is the greatest thing.